Sandal Etiquette

See...for the past two summers I've wrote about how women's feet should look before they put on sandals. Apparently I didn't say it in a way that women could understand. So I thought who could tell women to close up shop better than a woman. Exactly so I got a little help from a friend, Reese. LISTEN TO HER. It's only April and I've already see enough of some of yall's feet.

Alright ladies, it's that time of year again! Warm weather and sunshine means it's time to break out the sandals, but first let's do a quick review of the Rules of Sandal Etiquette:

Rule #1: Always, always, ALWAYS, wear sandals that FIT! Your toes should not hang over and touch the ground, your heels should not spill over the backs, and most importantly, your feet should not bulge out between the straps.

Rule #2: If your polish is chipped and for some reason you do not have time to re-polish, please either just go polish-free, or better yet, WEAR CLOSED-TOE SHOES! Nothing is worse than seeing a chick walk down the street in pretty sandals she spent an entire paycheck on, with half the polish missing from her toes. Stop it. It's not cute. Also do not, I repeat, DO NOT try to cheat and paint just the big toe! You ought to be ashamed for even thinking it.

Rule #3: Pedicures only cost $20. Work it into your bi-weekly budget. Nobody wants to see cracked heels and dead skin, it's disgusting. Those little Asian ladies can scrub the hell out of some feet, allow them to utilize their talents.

Rule #4: A little lotion goes a looooong way. You should not be walking around looking like you dipped your feet in baby powder...repeatedly. CVS sells trial size Lubriderm for $0.99...keep a bottle in your purse at all times.

Rule #5: Some of us have a little hair on our toes, this is nothing to be ashamed of, it's genetic. There is also no shame in shaving off said hairs.

Rule #6: Pantyhose with sandals? GET A CLUE!

Rule #7: If a strap should happen to break, please note that duct-tape, pins, and glue are NOT viable repair options. Take it to a cobbler, or just let them go!

Rule #8: Resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low low price of $4.99, even if your feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is a matter not only of fashion, but of public safety; nobody can walk properly while standing in a pool of sweat, and it would be a shame to take someone down with you as you fall and break your ankle.

Rule #9: In fact, resist the urge to buy ANY shoes from Payless...remember ladies, you get what you pay for.

Rule #10: Be brutally honest with your co-worker/sister/friend when she asks if her feet are too ugly for sandals. She needs to know that her toes are as long as fingers and no sandals, no matter how beautiful, will ever look good on her feet. Also, when your co-worker/sister/friend is brutally honest with YOU, don't get mad. Come to terms with this enlightenment and proceed accordingly, sandals aren't for everyone!


Yall can't get mad at me for this one like yall did with the "Upgrade" blog, I didn't write this one. If yall are mad then yall probably need to do something about your feet.